I have chosen to blog because I have decided to journal and I need to keep accountable. I have pushed myself to be honest and try to be helpful, but I believe I have avoided a bit delving into my current feelings as I had planned to do with journalling. The clue to this is that I continue to have issues. I’m missing something I’m ignoring because I’m afraid it’s too painful. So… what feeling am I hiding from now?
I feel embarrassed I’ve settled, stalled in a way – mostly ashamed of the way it looks to others because at the same time I feel guilty I would be content to stay where I am if it weren’t absolutely necessary to progress and function “normally” in the world. I feel a constant tension thinking I’m not doing what I should be doing, or a cringe at the mistakes I’ve made trying. I’m holding my breath, biting my tongue, getting through so I can… what? Check out when my obligations are finally finished?
Meeting with a confidante last week, I felt good about an insight she reflected. I had said when describing my lowest point, my rock bottom, that I was at first getting through each day, soothing myself by telling myself that if it ever gets too painful I can just leave, just check out, but for now, I can find something to eat, something to watch, something to pass the time. I really started to recover when I realized I wasn’t going to check out so I might as well make my life as enjoyable as possible. And as nice as food and TV might be for me, they are often the opposite of fulfilling when I lean on them to heal my everything.
Now where does that leave me? First of all, as much as I’m hesitant to admit it because it seems to easy, writing about my feelings helped calm them in a more authentic manner than avoiding them. Secondly… as I read back what I’ve written here, I realize the importance of pushing myself to pause every time I’m feeling off to really feel it, and decide to use a tool like a CBT app if my urge is too strong to escape into distraction.