Instantly Forgotten so… Forgiven I Guess

I’ve had wrong done to me, at least so others tell me. I realize it’s pretty shitty to not return money owed or breakup by un-invitation… it just makes me feel a bit bad about myself at the moment, surprised perhaps, but I don’t even get mad. It’s forgotten, in the past. I’m driven to maintain equilibrium; I don’t want to have hard feelings with anyone.

Recently, I had someone lash out at me in a way I’d never experienced. I believe she greatly overreacted but still my first instinct was to identify what I’d done wrong and what I could do to make it better. I couldn’t make it better, though; she wanted to be mad at me and she wants to stay mad at me. I think strong emotions drive her.

My boyfriend has helped me express some anger sometimes. It feels unnatural, but it actually helps move on for real. By ignoring incidents, I’m forcing forgetting which makes forgiveness superficial on some level. It doesn’t help to hold a grudge, but it’s healthy to experience and express feelings and let go to move forward, together or not.

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Therapy Homework #1

Screen shot 2014-04-28 at 1.46.47 PMAlthough I’m excited about getting better and interested in the activities discussed in therapy, I still procrastinate, ignore, avoid, postpone letting go of the unhealthy ways of coping that are so comfortable to me still. I think this is why I keep finding myself on the day of an appointment frantically trying to get ready by doing all the things I had intended to start at the beginning.

One thing I completely neglected was the plan to schedule. Obvious now is if scheduling feels like work, why did I think planning would happen without effort? I have an app called Schedule Planner by Intersog that allows me to plan every time period of the day and then track what I actually spent time doing… plus categorizing the types of activities to analyze by that factor as well. I’m debating whether to get the pro version because it allows for much more customization but I need to prove to myself I’ll actually use it first. I used it one day, April 17, but found the time to plan and record was distracting… I think I need to stick with it for awhile and give it a chance to become a habit more part of my everyday.

Schedule planner collage

To be fair, I needed the strategy of taking periodic alone time for myself in the past week of abnormally high responsibility and socializing. My psychologist advised me to tell people in advance that I’ll need to take short breaks – I’ll be back, I’m not going anywhere, I just need a few moments to myself as part of managing my mood. And ask their permission where appropriate. I did this with my mom, boyfriend, and friend, which they seemed to accept and that did help. I also felt more ok with walking away from a group to take my time getting water or checking my phone, then going back or sometimes taking longer to recuperate. And even though I had hoped to schedule a movie I liked but didn’t get the chance, I felt good making the plan and ok without it because I didn’t need it.

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It’s My Party and I’ll Avoid the Party if I Want To

If I’m throwing a party, it’s not for me. My mom taught me the birthday party is for everyone else, and of course the wedding is for the mother… The food is for the majority: my brother got birthday cake every year even though he never wanted to eat it. The events are all about entertaining and pleasing the guests. I know my smile needs to make frequent wide appearances; my tired eyes can’t give me away. The goal is for everyone to leave feeling they had a good time at my party.

Or it’s a party for two. My birthday present last year was a luxurious night at a posh hotel downtown with my boyfriend, safe away from any semblance of a party. The food was a maple glazed salmon with a cheesy rice dish via room service – and lots and lots and lots of chocolates and candies. And I drank lots of water. We went to a movie, one of my favourite things, and so of course we watched another movie in the room later that night. The room was expansive, lush, with a king bed and soaker tub. Party favours were remaining candy I brought to the theatre the following day. Mmm that was top ten the best day of my life.

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Pedestrian at Heart Health & Two of my Favourite Apps

When given the choice between drive, bike, rollerblades, etc. or walk, I’ll always choose to walk – under reasonable circumstances (don’t hold me to my hyperbole on true Canadian winter days). I enjoy the amount of control I have over my experience: I can stop whenever I want, slow or speed up, jump into a store, stop and smell the roses… it’s all my prerogative.Screenshot 2014-05-02 19.30.25

That said, when I don’t have to get somewhere I tend very much toward sedentary activities (read: reading). I recently got back into the phone app called Noom Walk. I used it last summer but since then a lot of my exercise has been indoors. Now that spring is finally hitting Southern Ontario, I’m falling in like with this app again. I’m suspicious of accuracy but tested many different ways to verify for myself that it counts only steps, i.e. not big bumps while driving, and all steps – I want credit for every one of them!

On a regular day with just short little bursts of walking from point A to point B, I’ve found I’m only around 2,000-3,000 steps daily. On a day when I’m consciously walking for exercise or for longer errands, it’s closer to 4 or 6,000. When I walk for an hour, it’s up to 8,000. Though do note I don’t have my phone on me when I’m on a treadmill or doing a workout DVD; and, if I’m running outside, I’m using Nike+ to track how far and how fast. Then when I’m moving most of the day, my record on Noom has been 18,234. I have to say I’m quite impressed with myself for that amount.

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